Why being afraid is a waste of time

Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die.- G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy, Chapter 6 (1909).

(This post has been ported from my medium page)

Ok… so you decide to just do it, (thank you Shia LaBeouf), and you go after your dreams. You start working out more, you start to write more, and you even start a YouTube page, you’re so excited.

Then that terrible moment happens, you start to think! *Gasp*, what if everything fails? What if, what if, everything that I dreamed of doesn’t come true. What if I become exactly what I don’t want to be/

What if?

I’m not going to preach at you, but, I want to share a bible scripture. In the book of 1 Samuel we have one of the most well known bible verses ever: David vs. Goliath. I know, you probably heard it a million times in Sunday school, or even simply referenced during a huge boxing or MMA fight, but, lets look at what the verses can show us about our dreams.

In chapter 17, two armies have gathered on two sides of a valley, on one side its the armies of Israel, and on another it is the Philistine army. During the the set up of the armies one man, one behemoth, walks out in front of the whole philistine army: Goliath. This dude is MASSIVE, standing at about 9 feet 9 inches, all muscle, this dude is awe inspiring. If this was a battle between DC vs Marvel, this dude is Darkseid.

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Essentially, Goliath yells this out to the Israelite armies: YOU SUCK, actually, you suck so bad that, we are going to have mercy on you… send one dude out to fight me, if he wins then we will surrender and be your slaves. If he wins, we will do the opposite.

Now you would think: Ok, sounds like a good plan, we send the best dude, he fights and wins and we get a whole nation as our slaves, right? WRONG, remember this dude is just shy of ten feet tall, all muscle and metal and anger. So what do the Israelite armies do? They hide, they cower, they piss their pants We can sit here, nearly 4000 years later, and laugh at them or shake our heads, but are we any different?

New Year’s day, any really the month of January, is the time of the year that gyms make the most money. Lines and waves of people have “decided” to loose weight and get into the shape that they want. The problem is that they are looking at the end result and the daily sacrifices that it will take to ge there. When David decides to fight Goliath and announces his intent to King Saul, Saul immediately calls him a fool saying that he will die by Goliath’s hands.

In a moment of pure faith, courage, and self assured power David replies: Your servant has been keeping his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, 35 I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. 36 Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. 37 The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.” (1 Samuel 17:34–37)

Now I understand not everyone who will read this believes in God, or even a higher power, but what I am trying to make plain to you is the power of courage. You cannot read that and not feel even a tingle of goose pimples on your arm because of the sheer balls on David. I need you to understand something really quickly:

A great part of courage is the courage of having done the thing before.-Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Culture,” The Conduct of Life (1860)

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David already killed a bear, and a lion, so what does this man, though impressive, have on them?

And that is what all these people spouting out these messages about motivation, and strength, and faith, and achieving your goals want you to understand so deeply.

You have already overcome so much, achieving your goals is just another notch on your belt.

We live in a world with people that want to be Luke Skywalker, Batman, and even David. They fail to remember that before David killed Goliath, he had to take care of a few sheep. Before David could command armies, he had to command sheep. Before he could have his name written down in the history books, he had to contend with just getting his job done, and protect his sheep from the bears and lions.

So I want to leave you with this: Before you go looking out for the Goliath’s in your life, kill the Lions, Tigers, and Bears.

 

My City

Whoever is born in New York is ill-equipped to deal with any other city: all other cities seem, at best, a mistake, and, at worst, a fraud. No other city is so spitefully incoherent. James Baldwin …

Source: My City

My City

Whoever is born in New York is ill-equipped to deal with any other city: all other cities seem, at best, a mistake, and, at worst, a fraud. No other city is so spitefully incoherent.

James Baldwin

There is a love-hate relationship that I have with NYC. On the hate side I have:

1. Gentrification: http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/gentrification-doesn-poor-report-shows-article-1.2393396
2. Racism: http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/black-nypd-highway-blows-whistle-racism-article-1.2359060
3.  Poverty: http://nyscommunityaction.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/2015-Poverty-Report-w-50th-logos-for-online.pdf  (Granted this is a NYS poverty line, not specific to NYC)
4. Unchecked Mental Illness: http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/1-5-new-yorkers-suffer-mental-health-disorders-report-article-1.2432656
5. Underfunded College Professors: http://www.westsiderag.com/2015/12/20/weekend-column-why-cuny-teachers-are-fighting-and-getting-arrested-for-a-contract 

 

And, to be honest, I could go on and on on the failings and brokenness of my city. From the time I could actually remember, New York city has been the “shining” example of capitalism and what American culture has to offer. Hip-hop was born here, some of the greatest musicians, artists, dancers, comedians, either got their big break here, or was born here. Yet, this small list, is but a fraction of the problems of “The Greatest City on Earth”.

I have not gotten into the rats, the pigeons, the roaches, the trash, and please! do not get me started on the MTA (http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/52-years-needed-fix-mta-subway-issues-report-article-1.2346684). Having all these problems concentrated in a city with 8 million can leave one at there wits end, and makes it hard coming up with reasons to stay in this city.

 

Yet, for all those troubles, I still love my city. There is just something about New York city that you just gotta shake your head and accept.

Like, for example, one day I was on the A train going up into the city from Brooklyn ( I still do not know why we call Manhattan the “City”, it’s not like Brooklyn in the Suburbs), and right on cue a man stood up and said: “Excuse me Ladies and Gentlemen!”.

Now, if you do not live in New York City, or do not frequent, then you have not met the plethora of people who, for a multitude of reasons, decide to come onto the trains and ask for money. This is in no way condemning these people, everybody needs to do what they have to do to get by.

However this day it was a peculiar day, not one, not two, not even three, but, 5 different people came on the same train car within a 25 minute period. It was an amazing experience, everyone in the train car gave some bit of money to everyone, but, after the 4th person came on, we all just became weary. But, we all still clapped and gave attention to those who had skill.

#Dumbeldoreispleased

It leads me to an amazing example of street performer: Larry and Sonia Wright.

I have seen them before, playing at the 59th Columbus Circle train station, a hotspot for talented musicians. However, it was only yesterday that I stopped to really listen to them play. Most times I am rushing off somewhere and have my headphones in, or I am simply not paying attention. But, yesterday, I found myself truly appreciating the passion and the artistry of their music. Completely in harmony, they played for minutes on end with no pause. It was only after a 5 minute play session that I finally was able to breathe easier, not wanting to interrupt their musical high.

I have been beat-boxing, using my knuckles to play on the table at lunch time, and now playing congas since I was in middle school. There is, nearly, nothing better then vibing with another musician. The power that music has over people is seen when this couple plays together.

It’s this, and many other reasons (such as: Brooklyn Bridge park during the summertime, BBQ’s at prospect park, The Bronx Zoo, etc) why I have a love-hate relationship with New York City. I may not be here forever (I do NOT have the money they want for these little apartments lol), but, I will always have a special place in my heart for this City.

What do you think? What are some of your favorite moments int NYC? Like, share and follow me on twitter @PattycNYC

I leave you with a recording of Larry Wright and his wife Sonia:

 

I hate the gym

I love the gym; I love basketball. I’m really passionate about it.- Kyrie Irving

I have never been the type of person that is, inclined, to go out and move. Growing up I found myself always thinking, and wanting to talk, not run. Going to the park with a basketball, for me, was to try to get it in the hoop: That. Is. All.

No I do not want to play a pickup game of basketball. No I do not want to see who can run the fastest. And No I do not want to play tag for the millionth time. I would rather throw my ball into the air and try to catch it, that is all, thank you very much.

Oh sure, I had my bike, and I did play games with friends (tag, freeze tag, man-hunt (my favorite), etc.). However, I would much rather play video games at home.

Because of that, and poor dieting, I found myself nearly always one of the fattest kids in the group. Though this fact was always mitigated by my humor, above average strength (at the time), and my size defying speed (not the fastest person alive, but, can still out pace a few people).

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Picture me as a kid, but black, and less rolls

This lead to an eventual nasty relationship with food. Many people can relate to emotional eating, and overeating. That was me, and its a battle still fought, because of a poor upbringing as far as food consumption. This upbringing was poor because I did not listen to my mother, grandmother, various family members, friends. Anyone who had an opinion to give on the manner in which I ate, and the amount that I consumed, I could not care less what they had to say, sincerity be damned.

This pattern of self abuse grew to the point where a doctor suggested a lap band or a gastric sleeve when I was 17 years old. One doctor even told me that my heart was working like a 30 year old when I was 16. These things scared me, but, I still didn’t change. This compounded my situation, and even after several attempts to change myself, to change my destiny, I failed each time.As a result I grew more despondent, and stubborn to the possibility of actually changing my physique.

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“Idon’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

It is a strange feeling to see that your actions have driven your friends to the brink of giving up, or have driven them away totally.

At my heaviest I weighed approximately 410 pounds. I am currently trying to fight that. I want to be 250 pounds, yet, here we are at the crux of my problem: I HATE the gym.

Now, do not get me wrong, I actually have fun when I am working out, and when I have the zeal to put in the work. But there is a CGI filled, Slow motion effect fight scene that happens everytime I know I need to go work out. I fight to go 3 times a week, but, excuses can come from the heavens like mana in the morning.

The gym to me, like doing the laundry, is a drag to prepare for. This for me is my daily, weekly, monthly, and life spanning war: Getting up out of the bed.

The bed is an alluring mistress, calling to you with her warm embrace, supple curves, and intoxicating gaze. Yet, like carbon monoxide, you quietly drift off into oblivion.

Working out as much as it is a benefit to my life, is like, going to war. For me, the first fight is to say to myself: “You need to do this now, otherwise, you won’t do it at all”.

This will always be the battle for me, and for many people, like me, who struggle with the scale, war against portion controlling, actively protest calorie counting, and rage against a low carb diet.

But

We owe it to ourselves to fight, to scream, to cry, to fall and get up, because the reward, the result, far outweighs the struggle. So, to the hundreds and thousands of people, big, fat, “healthy”, chunky, fluffy, and Damn! (Thank you Gabriel Iglesias), I say to you, you just gotta fight.

You might not like the gym, you might even hate it (I know I do). But, love yourself, and if you can’t love yourself, at least like yourself. Cause at the end, you, is all you have.

Don’t forget to love yourself.- Soren Kierkegaard

The dangers of the future.

On December 12, 2015 I turned 25. The big 2-5, the I am officially in the middle part of my 20’s. The full weight of it only hit a few days ago. I was in my class, my last semester of school, and everything hit me at once. I was hit with a sudden sense of fear, vulnerability, and revulsion. Annoyance was also there, I thought “I did not ask to be this age, I don’t want to do the adult life, it’s to big”.

So I’m sitting there thinking all these things and I blank out the next 10 minutes of class. When I finally come back into focus I realize that I missed a lot of information. So I zeroed in an got through the rest of my class went home and passed out. A few days later (today), I get hit again with this understanding that: yes, I am 25 years old. There is a lot of life still in front of me and there is a lot of adventures, ups and downs, triumphs and disappointments to come, but, the question is: will I choose to live?

“Don’t you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you’re not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you’ve lived nearly half the time you have to live already?”
― Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

 I realized a couple of things since the start of the 2016:

1. Time marches on: Many times I find myself surprised at the fact that it is already a Tuesday, or Friday, or that the weekend had gone already. My perception of time is relative, and fleeting. My days are shorter, my time more precious than ever. Turning 25 made me realize that time only moves faster from here on out. What will I do with that time? I do not know, but, I know that I can still use the time effectively.

2. The world expects nothing from me (and that’s good): I have heard it said time and time again in high school graduation speeches, sermons from preachers, PSA’s from principals, and even from family members: You are the future. Now that I am 25, honestly? I don’t hear it anymore. That glorious future that many people have said I was destined to have, honestly, I thought it was going to be given to me. Not because I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, quite the opposite, but when the rhetoric of “The future belongs to you”, is shoved down your throat for years, you tend to agree with it. When you are suddenly faced with the reality that the world expects nothing from you, it takes time for you to come to grips with that.

3. Success is sweat, tears, and blood: Working hard, and smart, are the most important lessons that anyone could have learned in there life. The ability to grind is one the core beliefs of America, and truly, the world. We have heard all the stories and are continually inspired by the men and women who drag themselves kicking and screaming otu of dire situations. We are amazed at the tenacity of people who come from nothing and create for themselves a life that we wish we could live. The one thing that each and every one of them had in common is hard work and perseverance.

4. Time and chance rule everything: In Ecclesiastes 9;11 it says “Again, I observed this on the earth: the race is not always won by the swiftest, the battle is not always won by the strongest; prosperity does not always belong to those who are the wisest, wealth does not always belong to those who are the most discerning, nor does success always come to those with the most knowledge— for time and chance may overcome them all.”

 

So, what am I left with? What do I do with those lessons? The only thing I can do: GO after my dreams.

Yes, even after knowing that the world expects nothing from me, and does not see a bright future ahead of me (if they even notice), I must still go after my goals. What if not spent in pursuit of a worthy cause? Why worry about the future, if your present is stagnant?

So, I charge you as well: Go after your dreams, one day at a time.

Till next time everyone: PattycNYC